Weíre home.

Except for Dianeís sickness almost unto death, and Brianís early departure, it was a great visit. My mother is loving, resilient, generous, and truly an inspiring example that as one ages, one does not have to become, as Susan describes it, less crisp. And for that matter, given my fatherís deft touch in the stock market at eighty-nine, he too is a shining role model.

Iím ambivalent about posting this, not because Chris wouldnít want me to, she laughed when she related it to me, but perhaps because my duckís back has picked up some velcro. I might add that when I repeated it to Diane, she laughed and hard, but it all ended in another round of bronchial paroxysms.

Matthew, age seven, and his older brother, Michael, were watching TV, when Michael turned to Chris and said, ì Mom, the woman in that commercial reminds me of you.î

Chris replied that she was flattered that Michael was thinking about her and comparing her to someone on TV, to which Matthew interjected, ìMom, you donít understand. She reminds Michael of you because sheís stupid.î

Our Matthew takes his driver’s test today… .

Yesterday, after breakfast at Denny’s, after waiting exactly (according to the only person more impatient that I, my father) sixty-two minutes for our food to be served, we drove back home, a few minutes before Jeff and Karen knocked on the back door. Their arrival is not so notable, but the subsequent knock on the front door is. Standing in forty degree weather, no shirt, sandals, a deep Hawaiian tan, AND a SEG, was brother Peter. As surprised as we all were, it paled in comparison to poor, sick, delusional Diane’s reaction.

We drove to the Marriott and Peter walked into our personal tuberculositarium, stood over sleeping Diane, and placed a purple and white orchid lei around her neck. She awoke, looked at the lei, had no idea what it was, other than possibly another juvenile prank by her husband, then looked into Peter’s smiling eyes, imagined they were mine- for a moment- then said, “Is that you Peter, or am I dreaming?”

Besides Peter’s surprise and a brief evening meal in her room, Diane spent another full day in bed, but today looks brave enough to venture out. There may not be great tourist attractions in Southern Indiana, but we always thoroughly enjoy our visits here, and this year’s trip will now be too closely compared to our flu-cancelled Christmas.

Last night’s dinner was another carry out ( that would be take out in New England), this one, pizza and Greek salads from The Deerhead. In spite of the raw numbers of people – Jeff, Karen and Dash too – we didn’t finish two large. What’s up with that?

Brian brought his miniature movie camera and recorded, among other things, Matt and Peter banging out thirty-five ( Peter wanted to do fifty) mano a mano pushups (looks like a training film for Navy Seals), and Matthew crushing his fit uncle in an arm wrestling contest. I warned Peter, but he couldn’t gracefully back down. At least he avoided injury, which is more than I can say. The last time I arm wrestled Matt, I thought I’d been permanently crippled.

Lastly, Brian, given the tenuous nature of this business, flew back this morning on the 10 AM flight. We’ll miss him and we’ll miss Peter doling out instructions to him for a healthier life. No, Susan, Peter’s are not like Joan’s.

ìActon Medical.î

ìGood morning, Iím calling for my wife, Diane Canning, who is a patient of Dr. Way.î

Hack, hack, cough, sputter.

ìIs that her in the backgound?î

ìYes it is.î

ìSounds like my husband.î

ìShe’s been like that since Sunday. Had a low grade fever on Monday, which spiked to 102 last night. Congested, hurts to cough, even hurts too breathe. And, we’re supposed to fly out of here this afternoon, so she .. .î

ìSounds like she might have pneuomia, I can get her in this morning…hold on a minute.î

Tick tock tick tock … .

ìCan she get here by 9 AM?î

ìSure can, weíre on our way, and thanks.î

No pneumonia, but what a way to begin our yearly Haj to Evansville. We normally go in April, when the flowers are blooming, but this year Adam and I have plans to fly Matt and company into a remote Maine lake. I hope the snow is gone by then.

Next post from the airport Marriott in Evansville. For a glimpse of the past

Behind the green is the house that Jimmy and Susan built. Named Torroemore by Susan, this is Matt, and now his Dad’s favorite vacation house. Photo taken August of ’03
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Photo taken this morning. A clear view of the bunkhouse, with bass boat, Wex (the poodle), and the manse on the hill. The deck is a relaxing place to write new blog entries…in the summer.

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Emma and Kate Finlay
Emma’s birthday celebration at Flo’s apartment.
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Ed Schmahl

Yesterday I went out on my own personal quest for altitude and snow. XC skiis in the car and a topo map of Maryland stashed by my side, I drove west, watching the snow patches grow more continuous and thick as I passed Germantown, Sugarloaf Mtn (always a possiblity, but not today), and then Myersville and the Appalachian Trail. The AT is good for XC-skiing after a big storm–big enough to exclude the trampling, no-skiis-for-us hikers– but today they were out in force, and what snow there was would be no good for skiing on after the herds had trampled it all down.

So I continued on to Sideling Hill, the 3rd ridge of the Appalachians west of the DC area, just past Hancock, MD. At that point, MD gets so skinny you’re no more than 10 mi from PA and WV in either direction. There was lots of snow, so with great expectations I drove up “Scenic highway 40” (that’s what the signs say) to just below the radio tower, pulled off, and had a look around. The rain of the past week had hit here, and the trees were glistening with ice crystals. Down the highway half a mile, and 400 feet lower in elevation, there had been no ice on the trees. Here we were just high enough to get below freezing, and the forest had been hit hard. Hardly any trees lacked a broken limb or two, and every branch and twig was enveloped by a shell of 1/2-inch thick ice.

A side road for jeeps ran up the hillside from where I had stopped my car. I stepped off the tarmac onto the snowpack and broke through the crust with one foot. My foot continued on down about three feet into bottomless powder. After a struggle to extract myself I put on my skiis, hoping to ski up the jeep road into the woods and have a look at the crystal forest up there. Skiis kept me from penetrating the crust, but there was no way to slide anywhere but down. It was like a frozen pond tilted at 10 degrees. Anyway, even if I could manage to work my way up the jeep road, it would be a death run back down, with a terminal collision at the chain across the entrance. So I just stood and looked up at the trees.

It was then that I heard the tinkling coming from all directions. Ice sheaths on branches were melting everywhere, and the shards of ice were clinking and clanking as they bounced down through the branches to the ground. The slope was so steep and icy, that every piece of released ice slid on down to the road I was standing on. I looked around my feet and saw the accumulation of the morning’s thaw–a half-foot layer of broken ice sheaths on the low side of the road as far uphill as I could see.

Leaving my skiis behind, I started post-holing up the road. I’d step gently on the ice, but it always broke, and then I’d pack my foot into a deep hole of airy snow, and make the next step. Slowly, at about 1/4 mph, I climbed up the jeep road towards the peak, and into the forest.

Looking at the trees as I went, I could see twinkling ruby, topaz and emerald flashes in the branches where the ice was refracting tiny, evanesant rainbows from the bright sun. About half the branches of trees were duplicated–the original branch standing out in dark contrast to a crystal sheath newly peeled away by partial melting. These sheaths looked like ghost branches, each one about 3 times the diameter of the real branch. Most of the sheaths had claws, where the icicles curved sideways, or even upwards. Apparently as the ice accumulated or melted, the branches bowed down or unbent up, and changed the direction of gravity for the icicles, which curved accordingly.

The dead beechnuts and weeds in clearings between the trees were all encased in shells of ice, like the work of some mad glass smith. I reached out and bent the stem of an encrusted weed. The glassy sheath broke, and half of it fell off, leaving only a weakened, floppy stem. The heavy seed pods were triply heavy with their icy shells, and only the sheaths of the stems supported their weight. Ice supporting ice, clever winter engineering.

I didn’t hike far up the road, only far enough to see the woods up close. Even without any skiing, I reflected, the hike into the rapidly disappearing crystal forest had been worth the long drive. On the way back down the jeep road, I was gratified in my decision not to take my skiis up. I thought about Mt. Monadnock, and was given pause by the promise that someone might risk his neck snow-boarding down in similar icy conditions. (But we will see. Maybe we’ll hear about that.) I managed to take a few pictures andposted them:

Jayne Dearth, Wolfman & Girlfriend
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Matt and I were returning from Darylís on Thursday when our local classic rock station began playing Blinded by The Light by Bruce Springsteen. Iíve heard it a billion times and have never understood the line after the opening, ìBlinded by the light…î

ìMatt, listen,” I shouted, trying to get his attention, and not talk over the words, “what is that lyric?î

Matt has good ears, and I was confident Iíd finally get an answer. He missed it the first time but the line in question is in the chorus and gets replayed over and over.

ìThere it is again. It sounds like, ëWrapped up like a douching, another runner in the night.íî

ìThatís what I hear,î Matt replied. I think that is also why he didnít offer his opinion the first time.

ìBut it canít be douching in the night.î

ìLook it up on the internet when we get home.î Cold Matthew logic.

And I did, and what follows, especially if the same lyric has puzzled you, is side splitting.

It snowed yesterday, then it rained, then it all froze. If Monadnock had the same weather we are not getting to the top, but the photo ops for the snow board ride have gone way up.

Mt. Monadnock update:
Our nearest local peak, 3100 or so feet high, is allegedly the second most climbed mountain in the world, next to Mt. Fuji. Itís an easy, if mostly vertical climb in the summer, a more challenging, exciting climb in the winter. Though these folks have crampons, Iíve never really needed them. Our plan is to leave Acton Sunday morning at about 8 AM , and return before sunset. The forecast is for clouds, wind, and temps in the teens. Climbers: Matt, Daryl, Robby and Hillary Burgin. Oh, one more thing.If you’re worried that my photos will be as boring as those above, don’t be. Robby is bringing his snow board and plans to ride it down.

Diane sat at her computer playing Penguin Batting when I walked in. ( Her best swing produced a score of 573)
ìDo you remember the story I wrote about the girl who was hit by a train?î The title was, Turn the Page, although you liked the alternative, what was it…?î
Diane thought for a moment, ìFootloose?î
ìNo, Dust Jacket, thatís what it was. Remember, I used the real name of the emergency room nurse? That incident happened thirty-two years ago, and I thought I was completely safe, but guess what? Someone got to the blog by using Google to search for that name.î

I bring this up because Iím posting a rewritten version of a story I posted not long ago. Written by a gifted writer I met in my summer class, Rea was told by the teacher, Robert Atwam, that the story needed more tension. Iím not naming it or identifying the writer because, though she gave me permission to post the first edition, Iím not sure she knows how truly unprivate the blog is. Rea sent it to me for my comments, and Iíll be happy to pass on anyone elseís.

When I am nine, we pray all the time because Sister Patricia Anne says somewhere on the other side of the earth ìour boys are dying in the jungles.î I pray and pray, but the war doesnít go away. I am starting to wonder if God hears me.
St. Pius X Church is my familyís new church after we move into our bigger house. Itís shaped like a cross and has an orange wall-to-wall rug that muffles our steps. I donít like this church. It doesnít have a railing or kneeling pads at the altar and thereís no Jesus hanging on the cross hanging high over the altar.

One Saturday night we all go to church. Snow falls under the streetlights, like white whispers.
Kneeling, I hear Sister Patricia Anneís voice in my head.
ìDraw the seasons,î says Sister Patricia Anne. I draw the spring in tulips, yellow and red. The summer in green. The fall in a waxy mat of layered reds, yellows and orange. And here is winter. I draw a gray sky with branches, black and thin. See my winter? I hold my paper up to Sister. See my grove of birch trees? See the snowflakes neatly trimming the top edge of my paper? See?
ìAll the snowflakes are different,î she says.
ìYes Sister,î I say.
ìTheyíre beautiful,î says Sister.
ìThanks Sister.î

Someone drops a missal on the pew; someone else coughs. A mother hushes her children and a young child cries. Tittering, chatting, yipping and yapping. Our whole school is here. All the parents are here too. I genuflect and then scoot as far away from everyone as I can. I think that God can hear me better if I pray away from the other voices. We pray for peace in Vietnam. We are praying for peace in America. Our parish priest, Father Durgin, tells us that if we pray together, God will hear us.
Doesnít he hear us all the time? Sister says he knows what we think. Sister says we donít even need to speak our thoughts. God knows all our thoughts, she says.
I bow my head anyway. I pray with all the other voices in the church shaped like Jesusís cross with the orange rug beneath us.

Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.

Sister says there is hope in the seasons. ìEvery season has its own color. Every season has its own shape and time. Every season returns to us.î

I pray as hard as I can because Jimmy Tucker is in Vietnam and even though none of the adults like him because he was always lighting off firecrackers in the mailboxes, I like him. He called me ìSprout.î ìHey Sprout,î heíd say and mess up my hair with his hand that smelled like the sulfur of a newly lit match. ìHey Sprout,î heíd say, like he knew me. Like I was his little sister or something.
I pray as hard as I can because Jimmy Tucker is wearing army boots instead of his sneakers, which dangle on the telephone wire in front of his house. I can see them when I pull up my bedroom shades in the morning. I think, ìItís night where Jimmy is.î I wonder if Vietnam has seasons. I try to picture snowflakes in Vietnam. I try to picture maple leaves. I cannot.

ìHi Sprout,î he says to me. I can hear his voice in the cross- shaped church.
Dear God, bring us peace. Bring Jimmy home. End war and poverty and suffering and sickness. Amen.

Sister says, waiting is a winter thing.
I wait for God to hear me, to hear all these voices.
I look for a sign.
The snow falls sideways. Is the earth spinning faster? Will the seasons happen sooner?

I lift my head and listen to the winter. And I wonder if God hears us in the muffled brightness of St. Pius Church, if Jimmy knows I prayed for him.
And I wonder if Jimmy is scared, all alone, taken from everything he knew and put someplace where he knows nothing at all.

Father Durgin tells us mass has ended. We say, ìThanks be to God.î I canít tell if we are really thanking God or if we are thanking God for ending the mass, which was loud and sad. ìGo in peace,î he says.

Outside, icy snow stings my face. My shoes are wet from stepping in a puddle that lay hidden beneath a new blanket of snow. Car doors slam as people hurry to escape the cold. Shivering, my mother puts her key in our old station wagon door and then lifts the lock on the back door for us kids. My brothers and sisters pile into the way back and the middle seat.
ìHop in the well,î my mother says to me. I like the solitude of this skinny space between the middle seats and the way back seats and so I slip into the well willingly.
ìPig!î my older brother snarls at my sister.
ìJerk,î my sister punches him.
My youngest brother sits in the way back, away from my sister, who is punching my older brother. He breathes on the window, pounds the outside edge of his curled up fist on the steam and dabs five little marks above the fist image. ìFeet,î he says. ìIím makiní lots of feet.î

I slide into the well and slip down so that my knees are bent upward and I am facing the ceiling of the car. I close my eyes and pretend I am not here. Not in this car. I am trying to talk to God. To see if now, finally, the war has ended. It feels quiet in the car well where sounds are muffled, except for the humming of the motor and the slishing of the wheels. I try to picture Jesus looking down at us. I try to picture him seeing through the car and into my face. I try to picture him in our car with us.
ìGod is in everyone,î Sister Patricia Anne says. I wonder. I think of the picture I saw on TV of a soldier. His teeth clenched, his shoulders lifted, his face pulled and crumpled in fear. Another man holds a gun to his head. I see this terrified face and then see the fingers of the man holding the gun. His blank face, cool eyes. I wonder if Sister is right.

Dear Jesus if the war is ended, please send a sign. As soon as I say this to myself, I know that deep down I am not worried about the war. I am worried that praying is not real. I am worried that Sisterís promises are not real. That seasons do not bring new hope. That Jesus isnít really in all of us. I think of the empty cross hanging over the altar. Where have you gone?

My little brother hangs over the seat and bends his face towards mine. ìLook,î he says. ì Come see my feet.î
ìNot now,î I say.
ìCímon,î he says and he drops a soggy mitten on my face.î
ìCut it out,î I say and throw the mitten back at him. ìIím thinking.î
ìíBout what?î
ìNevermind.î
ìNevermind what?î
ìForget it. Lemme see.î I sit up and stare. Tiny feet prints fill the large windows surrounding the way back seats.
ìNice,î I say. ìWaitíll Mom sees ëem. Youíre gonna be cleaning windows all day.î
He hits me with his mitten and slouches in his seat.
ìJust kiddiní,î I say. ìTheyíre nice. For feet anyway.î

I sit up and watch as we pass the houses of friends and neighbors. Old Mr. Oakleyís light is on. He is probably reading in his armchair. Or maybe he is sleeping over his open book, his head drooping and tugging on his neck. Billy Doranís kitchen light is on and I can see one of the kids running from the dining room to the kitchen. We pass the Mastrioniís. Michael Mastrioni died of leukemia and then his father died one month later of a heart attack. ìTen kids,î Mr. Mastrioni used to say proudly when people would ask how many kids he had. And then, when theyíd say, ìTEN?!î heíd say, ìYep. They all count. There are no extra kids, no extra people.î And then he died. Just like that. Died and left nine kids and his wife behind. My mother said he died of a broken heart. ìIf you donít believe a heart can break,î sheíd say, ìthen you donít know the Mastrionis.î

ìNow look,î my little brotherís presses my arm with his round, dimpled fingers. ìSee?î The window is covered in tiny feet running pell-mell.
We pull into our driveway. ìOut. Everyone out. First one in, let the dog out in the yard,î my mother directs.
ìPig,î my sister growls and slugs my older brother.
ìJerk,î my brother flails and shoves my sister so that she falls onto the driveway.
ìThatís enough you two. Right out of church and look at you,î my mother sighs as she lifts my baby sister out of the car and heads into the house.
Dear God if you can hear me, send me a sign. My brothers and sister race ahead of me. I turn to look at the window of feet. I think of my little brotherís pudgy fingers tapping out the toes in the steam and I can hear his voice counting over and over again, ìOne, two, three, four, five. There. Now for the next one.î
ìFeet for everyone,î he calls back to me as he catches me looking at his window.
Feet for everyone. God for everyone. God is in all of us, Sister Patricia Anne says. Dear God, Is this your sign? I can feel my feet, wet and cold in my soggy shoes. I can see the window feet, small baby feet, like my sisterís. Looking up, I can see Jimmyís sneakers dangling on the telephone wire. Once upon a time his mother could hold his feet in the palm of her hand, wrap her hand around his feet, feel the soft new skin.
Dear God. Feet cannot be your sign. Please. Send me a real sign that the war will end, that you are here with us.
I stand too long. Someone rockets a snowball into my face and peals of laughter spill out from behind Mr. Oakleyís hedges.
ìHey! Cut it out!î I say and bend down to collect my own ammunition.
Another snowball splatters against our car. I wind up and launch one into the hedges. I can see two figures, maybe three. ìWho is it?î I ask.
ìUs.î
ìUs who?î
ìUs the Mastrionis, who do ya think?î I recognize Angelaís voice. ìWanna have a war? Us versus you guys?î
My brothers and sister and I suit up and we fight for a while and then stop. My little brother wants to build a snowman. My sister wants to build a fort. We split up and create a fortress guarded by a lopsided snowman wearing a Yankee baseball cap and holding a broken broom.
ìSee ya,î we say when our mother whistles to call us in.
ìYeah, See ya,î the Mastrionis say as they head back to their house without a father.
It is a great night. I forget all about Jesus and feet for everyone. I forget all about Jimmy Tucker in the jungle wearing army boots. I forget all about wondering about the seasons, about the man with the crumpled face and the man with the gun.
That night as I pull down my shades, I see Jimmyís sneakers and the lopsided snowman near the fortress down below. I think of the Mastrionis without their father. I think of Jimmy in a world he doesnít know. And I know then that I will never know. I know then that there are some things I will never understand. God. Wars. A family of ten children, then nine, and then no father.
I know then that waiting is more than a winter thing.
I pull the covers over my head. Feel my warm breath rise against the worn blanket and fall back against my face. And I sigh. I lift the blanket off my face and listen to my motherís voice in the kitchen beneath my bedroom. The clatter of dishes being gathered and stored in the cupboards, silverware tucked in the drawers. My father laughs. My mother laughs. And then it is quiet.
Nodding off, I see the window feet. Feet for everyone. One, two, three, four, five. I see the snowman, the broken broom, the Yankees hat, Jimmyís sneakers. I surrender to the exhaustion of trying to find meaning in these everyday things. In the bed next to mine, my sister turns and snores, high-pitched snores that sound like church bells.
I hear my own breathing and I know that I am stuck. Stuck never knowing if God can hear me. I pray anyway. Dear God, bring Jimmy home. Please. No longer waiting, this prayer is not for a sign, but for Jimmy. Braving the darkness, I close my eyes and fall asleep to the sound of sleet tapping on my window.

I like photographs, and I enjoy these strolls down memory lane, but a long time ago Travis sat me down in my swivel chair at Channel1, and said, “Boy, the net is about content, not blink tags, animated gifs, pretty pics or even naked women. It’s content.”

By content he meant the typed word. And by golly, I now agree with him. Anybody got any?

This boy and his bear are about to be torn away from his furry friend and his beloved aunt– and he knows it.
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