Nothing
This is the visit to my dentist, Dr. P, before Pian NO NO NOOO. The molar first has to be ground and shaped to accept the crown.
ìWould you like gas and Novocaine?î
ìGas and Novocaine? What, are you joking? Some people want both?î
ìDonÃt judge, I have many patients who need the relaxing effect of gas. It depends on how traumatized they were in the pastî
ìOh, come on, I grew up with reusable needles that resembled harpoons and drills that rotated as fast as my food mixer, and I wouldnÃt ask for both. Novocain is plenty.î
ìBut some do need both and thatÃs why I offer it. And there are some that use nothing.î
ìNothing, what do you mean nothing.î
ìNothing means nothing.î
ìWait a minute. You get in there with your drill like a construction worker jackhammering pavement, without Novocaine?
ìThatÃs right, they donÃt want their lips numb afterwards. I guess itÃs their tradeoff.î
I realized I had grabbed a swinging vine and was touching both shores, but I continued.
ìAnd how did they ever get to the point where they knew they could tolerate it? I mean, you start chipping away and then they scream? Or not?î
ìI couldnÃt do it, but thatÃs what I mean about judging others. You should avoid it.”
Dr P then raised his needle, grabbed my cheek with his thumb and forefinger and did that pulling, shaking, distracting thing while jabbing and filling my gum with Novocain, after which, he left the room. Gotta give Novocaine time to take effect. I put my glasses back on and flipped through the latest People Magazine. I get pop cultured in both the dentistsà chair and when Chris drops off her latest Vanity Fair.
He was gone about five minutes and when he returned I probed with my tongue and detected some sensation near my soon to be hacked off molar, but I kept quiet. I didnÃt want to be jabbed again, I too hate that numbing, drooling sensation and besides, he always over does it with the pain killer.
Amy lowered my chair and as I stared into the three dimensional Alice in Wonderland artwork above, Dr P went to work with his drill. The enamel began to fly and that awful burning smell filled my nostrils which is okay, but what wasnÃt so okay, is that I could feel everything. I kept thinking, This canÃt be, itÃs my imagination.
I must have grimaced because Dr. P asked,
ìAre you doing okay?î
I nodded my head.
ìAre you sure?î
I nodded again.
This office could be a federally designated Pain Free Zone. I always feel better after the visit than before, but not this time. I felt every chip, not just flying off my tooth, but as it ricocheted against my pink cheeks. When he used the air gun to dry the stump, I had Frankensteinian images of directed lightning bolts, but the worst was the rope that he stuffs into the gums around the stump that confines the mold for the temporary crown. I saw Anthony Bates plunging his hunting knife in again and again.
You might wonder why I didnÃt complain. I would reply, how could I? I had made fun of the gas and Novocaine wimps, and in a backwards, only a guy, could twist a conversation this way, Dr. P had implied I was a sissy for using anything. And, I kept believing, given all the Novocainehe injected, that I was making it up.
Finally, mercifully it was all over and Amy was raising my chair. Dr P had picked up on my discomfort because he looked at me and said, ìYou felt it, didnÃt you?î
I nodded.
ëGuess what? You now know what I meant by nothing.
Stolen from Steven’s New Yorker
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Mikey – was that YOU in the dentist chair? Why are you going to a sadistic dentist who promises no pain and doesn’t meet his end of the bargain. next time, you take one of my “boys” with you. He’ll stay in line, I’m sure. -Jan
Comment by jan queijo — November 8, 2003 @ 1:12 pm
P.S. I have a dentist appointment Monday and I am CANCELING – truly.
Comment by jan queijo — November 8, 2003 @ 1:13 pm
Reminds me of when I gave birth to my third child. I had experienced “nothing” with my first child and knew THAT would never be the case again. I had a little something with my second, which worked very well. However, for some reason with the third, I was more frightened than ever of giving birth. So as I awaited to be prepped for having this third child at the baby factory that is the Brigham and Women’s, they offered me both a spinal and an epidural. Both. I at first had your reaction with “gas and novacaine?” However unlike you, I quickly grasped the concept of no pain and said bring it on. My spouse dubbed it the “superdural”. I literally felt maybe four contractions with that birth. S’wonderful. Unfortunately, I happened to be in the “broken bed” so as I lay in splendor with my epidural they had mainenance coming in to fix the bed (the bed wouldn’t change positions). As one never has any shame when in labor, it mattered nothing at all. No Norman Bates in my delivery room. All that numbing also numbed my senses, as my little guy came out blue with the cord wrapped around his neck. Had I been coherent, I would have probably freaked out. Instead I just waited for the doctor to fix him and hand him to me (spouse panicked enough for both of us). Later, when the pain medicine wore off, I threw up thinking about it. It did, however, end up being the hardest recovery of the three, proving yet again that no good deed goes unpunished. Now, back to you, why wouldn’t you say something if you were in pain? And why weren’t those hygienists who love you so much stroking your hand?
Comment by numbmeplease — November 8, 2003 @ 1:19 pm
Well I confess,I’m a nothing guy. Hate the fat cheek feeling. I just become one with the sound and sense of drilling.
But doubt I’d make it past one, never mind three cildbirth events with the same bravado. That must take some supernatural love, never mind physical stamina.
And in the future I may borrow a page from the subtler way that numbemeplease points out your misspellings.
Comment by Nothing for me — November 8, 2003 @ 3:07 pm
Wow! Nothing? My dad used to do that–back about
50 years ago. He’s 92 now, and he recently had some dental work, but he’s wised up in his old age. He takes novocaine now when they offer it–and they always do.
Me, I’d take the Nitrous. Never had it before, and I’m always interested in new sensations. The best dental number is Demerol, but that’s only when they take out 4 teeth at once. I can still remember the floating-on-clouds feeling when they did it to me 30 years ago. The doc could have excised my jaw, and I’d have been happy.
Comment by rakkity ed — November 8, 2003 @ 5:12 pm
I started out with Novocaine but spell check changed it to Novocain. I then looked it up using MSN’s dictionary and found:
Novocain
trademarkâ€
a trademark for a synthetic anesthetic drug.
But then I checked with Merriam Webster and got :
Main Entry: No∑vo∑cain
Pronunciation: ‘nO-v&-“kAn
Function: trademark
— used for a preparation of the hydrochloride of procaine
Which means they use Novocain to make Novocaine.
I had my four wisdoms removed at once, with only Novocaine, so I know it works. But I also know that fequently I feel the drill, and as a kid getting my head sewn up, an emergency room doc said it didn’t work because everytime he jabbed me, I flinched. Maybe Novocain works and Novocaine does not… .
Chris, at least once a day I look up at the heavens and thank God for making me a man and not a woman.
Comment by Painful — November 8, 2003 @ 5:30 pm