Dear rakkity,<\/p>\n
I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m blogging this, even though I fear you’ll jump in with an equally horrible Mac tale. A customer, now friend, called to say AOL was offering DSL for $24.95 a month, only four dollars more than she was paying for dial-up. She wanted me to help with the conversion. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d already set-up their brand new Hewlett Packard 3 GHZ PC running XP, which Dan\u00c2\u00a0had picked out for them at Costco, so I agreed.<\/p>\n
I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get to the very first step, which is to read the instruction CD, because it wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t display on the screen. The install software senses an AOL connection and asks me to first quit it. AOL, mind you, is neither dialed in nor even launched. Again, I called my main PC man, Dan, and he tells me to kill all the AOL processes. Start menu >control panels > services > processes > kill, kill and kill some more), which I proceed to do. (Incidentally, is there anything anywhere as silly as that services panel?) Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help a bit. The error message won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go away and now I look as dumb as the homeowner.<\/p>\n
I call AOL and get stuck in an infernal robot loop. I answer all the questions asked, desperately waiting for the step which will take me to a flesh and blood human – of late this is an Indian in Mumbai, by the name of Steven Jones. My seventeeth instruction is a plea to call back if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m talking on the line I will then be using to connect to the internet. I hang up and redial using my precious cell minutes, and while I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m waiting for the first robot, I crawl under the computer desk to make sure all my wires are in their proper ports. I roll over on my back as soon I hear that impossiblly irritating sing-songy voice.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is your telephone number?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153blah blah\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is your user name?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153blah blah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good, we know who you are and we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re accessing your account.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
In the past, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve circumvented robots by mumbling something unintelligible. They eventually short circuit and allow me talk to a fellow biped, however the real problem is I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m impatient and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m losing it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d anticipated fun computer time and here I am again in Cyber Wasteland, recalling the last new PC I set up which wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t read its own install discs.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Go to Hell!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What did you say? I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Forget it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can you describe your problem? Say something like, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI have a connection problem.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I have a PC.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Please repeat. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I said if I had a Mac I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be leering my favorite porn site and not talking to a blithering robot.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I heard you say you are connected. Is that right?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Under the table I have my right hand on my forehead and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m about to stamp my feet.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No! I said I hate you and I want you to burn in hell with Bill Gates.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand you.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I said it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s six degrees out, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d planned to work outside until this cushy indoor job came along, and now I want to pull my hair out, kill everyone in this house, and then slit my throat.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know what? Quite often these days neither can my wife. I said I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get a connection because my stupid computer won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t read the CD. You offered DSL for what you said was a great price and now I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m married to an inanimate object while lying on my back in a dark space. My wife is away, my mother is in failing health, my son barely talks to me and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re asking me a line of inane questions at a pace guaranteed to drive a parish priest insane.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Long pause. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry,did you say you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get connected? If that is what you said, please say yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I said Fu*k You. What about Fu*k you do you not understand?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
From under the table with my hand now covering my eyes I hear the pitter patter of little feet. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Amelia who asks, \u00e2\u20ac\u009dMichael, is everything alright?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Humiliated, I surrendered that afternoon, but I skulked back to Amelia\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the following day. Some computer genius I am. This time, however, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m conversing with a living being, an AOL rep by the name of Katherine, who uses words like cool and awesome. Though a bright young college student, she proves as infuriating as the mechanical female because she can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t match her AOL with the one installed in \u00e2\u20ac\u0153my\u00e2\u20ac\u009d computer, and she can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop saying click on blah no matter how many times I tell her blah does not appear on MY screen. This time Katherine surrenders. She says, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Call Verizon,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and with a voice as cheerily irritating as the robots, she ends with, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re having a special on broadband connections. For only $24.95 a month, only four dollars more than what you are already paying, you can have DSL \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 .\u00e2\u20ac\u0153<\/p>\n
By the time I dial Verizon, I need a psychiatrist and a couch, or Valium and a bed, or a just a gun. Shonnica, at Verizon, bless her, pulls the gun out of my mouth, loosens my shirt collar, brushes the donut crumbs from my lap, and politely guides me to a working connection in ten minutes. For the last three of those minutes, I lean back and watch her remotely complete my set-up while we laugh about some of her inane support calls, commiserate about the recent snow, and generally stroke each other’s egos. When she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s finished, Shonnica asks, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Is there anything else I can do for you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done everything but cook me dinner.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll make you dinner if you make me lunch.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
*****************<\/p>\n
About the title. Sometimes it’s harder to invent a title than a story. Jennifer addressed it in Foretelling. Well, I was listening to The Whistler the other day, and I thought why can’t I come up with interesting titles like Death Has A Thirst or The Body That Wouldn’t Stay in The Bay, or Death Comes With A Lunch Kit?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear rakkity, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m blogging this, even though I fear you’ll jump in with an equally horrible Mac tale. A customer, now friend, called to say AOL was offering DSL for $24.95 a month, only four dollars more than she was … Continue reading