{"id":689,"date":"2005-09-11T13:18:20","date_gmt":"2005-09-11T21:18:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/?p=689"},"modified":"2007-02-18T17:25:22","modified_gmt":"2007-02-18T22:25:22","slug":"refrains","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/2005\/09\/11\/refrains\/","title":{"rendered":"Refrains"},"content":{"rendered":"

The house is quiet, night has settled in and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m back in South Haven chillin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 in Jimmy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easy chair as he sits at his computer and plays songs I request. In his retirement, Jim has digitized his past – from old albums to black and white family photos and far beyond. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re listening to Kris Kristofferson\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s version of “Loving Her Was Easier(Than Anything I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll Ever Do)”<\/a><\/p>\n

Dressed in dark slacks, and a long-sleeved blue knit shirt with matching suspenders, Jim searches his song files as I ask,<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jim, I suppose you had tomatoes by the fourth of July?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It was a dry summer, but yes, there were tomatoes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t imagine how many people I brag to about your early tomatoes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Laughter<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll wait for the right moment. Someone will complain about our short season, or they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll come from a more southern state and announce how they used to eat them by sometime in July. I then drop the bomb. ‘My brother-in-law\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in Minnesota are ripe by the fourth.’ \u00e2\u20ac\u0153<\/p>\n

More laughter.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you know what? No one is as impressed as I am. Maybe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because I gardened for so many years, maybe because I love tomatoes so much. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen my mulch piles. You know I get started early. When we moved from Columbia Heights, I was worried about how much sun they would get down by the lake.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Kris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice trails off and I ask for another song,<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How about Willie Nelson\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcYou\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re always On My Mind,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 or \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcAlways On My Mind,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 or \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Have a Mind?\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one of those. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153 Again, not an iTunes download, but another song from his album collection.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know, Jimmy, another thing that keeps rattling around in my brain? Remember when you told me the one person you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to talk to, if you could bring anyone back, was your father?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know him very well, and now that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been working on my family tree, there are so many questions I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to ask him. I know more about the Gansers, on my mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side, than the Stochls.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

This week, I relived our family visit two summers ago to Torroemore, Susan and Jim Stochl\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s property in Minnesota. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done it often since our visit. Usually I leave out the conversation and simply settle into Jimmy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s brown leather chair waiting for him to queue another song. <\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve found myself adding bits to what we used to talk about and finishing some of the sentences. Because these dialogues now exist only in my head, they feel like cold, dry echoes. But they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re really unfinished conversations given birth by death. <\/p>\n

My sister-in-law, Susan, called last Saturday morning to tell us, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jimmy died,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that he awoke at 2 AM feeling sick and was gone minutes later in spite of her cries, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I love you, please don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t die on me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and the paramedics\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 best attempts. <\/p>\n

I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t speak for Susan, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve probably said more than I should, but I know how I feel. My daily tasks are littered with short conversations with Jim, or, like the one above, entire vignettes assembled from the past and added to by the longing of the present. <\/p>\n

When I convert a taped recording of “This American Life” to a CD burned on my computer, I listen to his instructions. When I move a stone, I see Jimmy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s latest terracing project. When I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m cutting through an electrical line, I hear his cautions. When I look at Matthew, I feel not only my love, but his love and admiration. <\/p>\n

When I think of that summer, I want one more song. <\/p>\n

\n

Jimmy was shinydome on the blog<\/p>\n

\n

I meant to repost these photos yesterday.
\nTwo of my favorites.
\n\"emma_jimmy.jpg\"
\nEmma and Jimmy
\n\"matt_fish_sm.jpg\"
\nMatt and Jimmy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The house is quiet, night has settled in and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m back in South Haven chillin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 in Jimmy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easy chair as he sits at his computer and plays songs I request. In his retirement, Jim has digitized his past – from … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-689","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=689"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=689"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=689"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=689"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}