City Council Resolution Would Impose Height Restrictions
\nBy Oaklined R. Childerings<\/p>\n
In a move that challenges some of the greatest natural forces on Earth and even the authority of God herself, the Boulder City Council on Tuesday passed a resolution imposing height restrictions on the Flatirons.<\/p>\n
Created over millions of years by nearly unimaginably powerful geological forces, the Flatirons consist of conglomerate sandstone of the Fountain Formation. Geologists estimate the age of these rocks as 290-296 million years; they were lifted and tilted into their present orientation between 35 and 80 million years ago, during the Laramide Orogeny and were subsequently exposed by erosion.<\/p>\n
None of that, however, means “jack” to the city council, according to the Boulder Mayor Shaun McGrath, who cited “endless bitching” from Boulder residents about the mountainous formation’s obstruction of their view of the snow-capped peaks beyond. “Dammit, if it wasn’t for that ugly brown behemoth you could see all the way to Kremmling.”<\/p>\n
Though the current height restrictions merely disallow any future upheaval of the flatirons, Councilmember Matt Applebaum says the action doesn’t go far enough. Some portions of the Flatirons, he said, mock the city of Boulder’s government as well as its citizens.<\/p>\n
“Devil’s Thumb looks more like the Devil’s Middle Finger to me,” said Appelbaum. “It’s like the Flatirons are laughing in our faces, saying, ‘Screw Boulder'”<\/p>\n
Applebaum’s “Flatten the Flatirons campaign has gained steam among many members of the council and planning commission, so much so that plans to knock down Devil’s Thumb are already moving forward.<\/p>\n
“We’re just gonna knock that big rock right down with a wrecking ball,” said councilperson Lisa Morzel. “Maybe we can make a decorative sculpture out of it and put it on the Pearl St Mall.”<\/p>\n
No climbing will be allowed on any such sculpture, she added.<\/p>\n
“I envision a Boulder where all human-built structures and, yes, the Flatirons themselves, are wiped flat.,” said Applebaum. “If we force people to live underground no one will be able to interfere with anyone’s view of the mountains. From there it’s just a logical next step to knock down the Flatirons.”<\/p>\n
Hideous, God-forsaken towns in eastern Colorado like Flagner have already expressed interest in purchasing some or all of the flatirons for use as tourist attractions.<\/p>\n
“Just think of the giant post rocks we could make out of those mountains,” said Flagler Town Manager Justin Crisp. “We could fence this whole damn county in.”<\/p>\n
Others aren’t so sure. “A giant, solid stone Stuckey’s or truck stop might be nice,” said Flager resident Elma Perkins, a fifth-generation resident of the wind-blown hell-hole.<\/p>\n
–rakkity<\/p>\n
City Council Resolution Would Impose Height Restrictions By Oaklined R. Childerings In a move that challenges some of the greatest natural forces on Earth and even the authority of God herself, the Boulder City Council on Tuesday passed a resolution … Continue reading ![\"before.jpg\"](\"https:\/\/mainecourse.com\/mt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/04\/before.jpg\")
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