I don’t drink much, I haven’t for years, but that hasn’t stopped liquor in my cabinet from disappearing. In fact, it seems to evaporate even faster now that I’m not wearing a path to that part of the living room. I thought I’d solved the problem by using a magic marker to draw lines around current levels.

On Thanksgiving I decided to join the fun and have a vodka tonic. I slipped into the living room, poured my tonic water, and, jiggerless, like the old days, added Sky Vodka. I worried I’d added too much. but shrugged my shoulders and walked back to the kitchen, sipping from my tumbler. Hmmm, I thought, this is weak.

I backtracked to the bottle and added more and walked away again, content that my drink would taste as it had lo those many years ago. But, no, my next sip tasted much like the last which is to say nearly no taste at all. I made another u-turn and this time held the bottle up to my lips and let go. Hmmm, I thought again, I never could, even in my most alcohol-drenched George Thoroughgood “I Drink Alone” days, guzzle eighty proof.

I put the bottle back and pulled its twin from the back of the cabinet and took a swig. Again, no burn.

I know, you all caught on long before I did. I don’t have to write that the next thing I did was bring my brother-in-law in for a taste. I don’t have to say that his immediate reaction was to guffaw.

Here’s why this is offensive.

Number 1. What kind of idiot do you take me for?
Number 2. Alcohol, even vodka, has flavor. If I replaced your beer with Tabasco Sauce would you notice?
Number 3. Do I look like Rodney Dangerfield?