By Chris

So my neighbor, Wayne, rings my doorbell this morning. Fortunately not only was I dressed but my tooth was in.

“Your chimney has separated from your house” he says to me. “The top could fall off”.

I didn’t need to finish my cup of coffee as that little piece of news was enough of a jolt. I put my shoes on and followed him across the street to his house to look up at my roof. Keep in mind I don’t have my glasses on, but even without them I could see the leaning tower of pisa that is my chimney. Wayne took down the little house that was across the street from my house and is putting a new little Victorian house up. (which, by the way, he felt compelled to show me the plans for. What is it about people building a new home and their compulsion to show you the damn plans. Can I read a house plan? I said to his girlfriend, also a realtor like Wayne is, “he likes to show his plans…I saw them when he first did them” to which she responded “you’re the one whose going to be looking at the house all the time, I should think you’d want to see the plans”. Well then. After she explained the whole house to me “our bay window will face directly to your driveway”…hint, hint, get out a broom once in a while, all I could think to ask was “what color will it be”. “Beige and barn red”. “That’s nice”.). But I stray. The contractor putting up the new house was the one who noticed the chimney and brought it to Wayne’s attention so he could tell me.

Keep in mind this is the chimney that is attached to my wood stove, which I use all the time. Had I lit a fire, we could have gone up in smoke, because the fire would go up the chimney and no doubt attach itself to my roof.

As we stand looking at my little roof, Wayne says to me “you can see where you are missing flashing”. Do I know what the hell flashing is? Why is he speaking in a foreign language? Apparently it was this loss of flashing that caused the chimney to separate. Who knew.

Wayne: “When your husband comes home he can borrow my ladder so he can go up there and take a look”. Chris: “Have you met my husband?”

So Wayne brought his ladder out, climbed up it (this is when I was given “the plans” to look at) and observed the hole that is there. “It doesn’t go through the attic but still you could get rain damage..I can put a tarp over the space for you”. He needed bungee cords to adhere the tarp to the top of the chimney. “I have bungee cords” I express with glee as I can actually do something to help. He was already on my roof with the tarp when I emerged with the bungee cords. “Throw them up here” he says to me. The first one made it up there fine. The second two were victims of my girly throw and ended up in the bushes. “I’ll come down” he says to me.

So now I have a tarp on my roof. Wayne said I need to call a mason. The girlfriend, who in her profession is present at home inspections, told me I need our other chimney repaired as well. Wayne said no she doesn’t. The girlfriend (who I’m sure has a name) points out that this other chimney is also a bit crooked and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right. Then the girlfriend told me my shingles are beginning to curl and within a few years I’ll need a new roof. “Start a kitty now for the roof” she says to me. I have a kid going to college next year, there will be no new roofs. I wanted to ask what else have you observed over here at my house but I was afraid she’d answer me so I didn’t.

We are not a couple who spend time working outside of our house. We pay people to “mow our lawn” which in fact isn’t even a lawn…it is dirt with crab grass. We put new windows in last year and have still not re-painted the outside trim. Needless to say we never look up at our chimneys. While I appreciate my life and those of my family and pets being spared by fire, thoughts of elderly housing become very appealing and I wonder if we are too young to apply. I can dress for dinner every night, I don’t mind.

So there you have it. My kids college fund is now literally going up the chimney. If anyone knows a good mason, please pass the name along.