A Day In The Life
By Chris
So my neighbor, Wayne, rings my doorbell this morning. Fortunately not only was I dressed but my tooth was in.
“Your chimney has separated from your house†he says to me. “The top could fall offâ€.
I didn’t need to finish my cup of coffee as that little piece of news was enough of a jolt. I put my shoes on and followed him across the street to his house to look up at my roof. Keep in mind I don’t have my glasses on, but even without them I could see the leaning tower of pisa that is my chimney. Wayne took down the little house that was across the street from my house and is putting a new little Victorian house up. (which, by the way, he felt compelled to show me the plans for. What is it about people building a new home and their compulsion to show you the damn plans. Can I read a house plan? I said to his girlfriend, also a realtor like Wayne is, “he likes to show his plans…I saw them when he first did them†to which she responded “you’re the one whose going to be looking at the house all the time, I should think you’d want to see the plansâ€. Well then. After she explained the whole house to me “our bay window will face directly to your driveway hint, hint, get out a broom once in a while, all I could think to ask was “what color will it beâ€. “Beige and barn redâ€. “That’s niceâ€.). But I stray. The contractor putting up the new house was the one who noticed the chimney and brought it to Wayne’s attention so he could tell me.
Keep in mind this is the chimney that is attached to my wood stove, which I use all the time. Had I lit a fire, we could have gone up in smoke, because the fire would go up the chimney and no doubt attach itself to my roof.
As we stand looking at my little roof, Wayne says to me “you can see where you are missing flashingâ€. Do I know what the hell flashing is? Why is he speaking in a foreign language? Apparently it was this loss of flashing that caused the chimney to separate. Who knew.
Wayne: “When your husband comes home he can borrow my ladder so he can go up there and take a lookâ€. Chris: “Have you met my husband?â€
So Wayne brought his ladder out, climbed up it (this is when I was given “the plans†to look at) and observed the hole that is there. “It doesn’t go through the attic but still you could get rain damage..I can put a tarp over the space for youâ€. He needed bungee cords to adhere the tarp to the top of the chimney. “I have bungee cords†I express with glee as I can actually do something to help. He was already on my roof with the tarp when I emerged with the bungee cords. “Throw them up here†he says to me. The first one made it up there fine. The second two were victims of my girly throw and ended up in the bushes. “I’ll come down†he says to me.
So now I have a tarp on my roof. Wayne said I need to call a mason. The girlfriend, who in her profession is present at home inspections, told me I need our other chimney repaired as well. Wayne said no she doesn’t. The girlfriend (who I’m sure has a name) points out that this other chimney is also a bit crooked and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right. Then the girlfriend told me my shingles are beginning to curl and within a few years I’ll need a new roof. “Start a kitty now for the roof†she says to me. I have a kid going to college next year, there will be no new roofs. I wanted to ask what else have you observed over here at my house but I was afraid she’d answer me so I didn’t.
We are not a couple who spend time working outside of our house. We pay people to “mow our lawn†which in fact isn’t even a lawn…it is dirt with crab grass. We put new windows in last year and have still not re-painted the outside trim. Needless to say we never look up at our chimneys. While I appreciate my life and those of my family and pets being spared by fire, thoughts of elderly housing become very appealing and I wonder if we are too young to apply. I can dress for dinner every night, I don’t mind.
So there you have it. My kids college fund is now literally going up the chimney. If anyone knows a good mason, please pass the name along.
Methinks you’ve been married too long and no longer understand guyspeak. Let me show you my… followed by, you need more flashing? Come on, girl, get with the program.
Comment by michael — October 7, 2005 @ 6:05 pm
Quit bragging. Just ‘cuz you know all about flashing…
And I do know something about guyspeak. Mark came home and I told him the story. “Wayne put that tarp on our roof? What a good neighbor he is. I never noticed the chimney. And you are a wonderful wife”. Interpretation: The tarp can stay there forever, don’t light any fires, tell me when it’s over.
Comment by the homeowner — October 7, 2005 @ 6:21 pm
Don’t worry not knowing from flashing. You want to really feel like a dummy? Have a guy come from Purcell’s Plumbery (who did all the heating, cooling, and plumbing when we built Torroemore) to tutor you on how to drive your water softner and turn on your furnace and change your assorted filters and find what to maintain and how to maintain it when your air-exchanger flashes M for maintenance, and so on. Humiliating how such a person looks at you, all the while keeping an even and cordial tone when answering your endless questions!
Comment by FierceBaby — October 7, 2005 @ 6:41 pm
My eyes spin like slot machine fruit whenever Diane asks me to make our bed or wash the tub or finish any one of the myriad projects I’ve begun but abandoned. Is that the kind of tapping on dead wood to which you refer? I guess not.
Anyway, I now know the key to a long and successful marriage. End every sentence with, “And you are a wonderful wife.”
Comment by michael — October 7, 2005 @ 7:56 pm
Smashing story, homeowner. I like your stuff so much better than Dave Barry’s. When are you going to send it in somewhere so the rest of us can become groupies and wait breathlessly for your columns?
Comment by loyal reader — October 7, 2005 @ 7:58 pm
The key isn’t to end every sentence with the wonderful wife comment…you must be selective lest it loses its meaning. He knows this. FB: I think if you have something that will flash an M when it needs maintaining you are golden. How can you possibly know something you’ve never had to know before. “Drive the water softener”? What does this mean? Do you drive it into the flashing? And why couldn’t my flashing flash something. As for loyal reader, thank you for the Dave Barry comment. But you know how it is, first groupies then stalkers. I can’t take that risk.
Comment by homeowner — October 7, 2005 @ 8:55 pm
You’re too late.
Comment by michael — October 8, 2005 @ 8:34 am
I laughed and laughed. You took me far away for a few minutes and it was a such a great trip. I agree about a column.
Comment by Peter — October 9, 2005 @ 2:21 am
Great story. You, too have good neighbors. The only thing that gets us working outside our house is peer pressure from the neighbors. They never tell us directly that our side door on the east need painting, or that the shutters on the west are falling off the house. But we hear them thinking and then try to do something about it.
One of our neighbors has actually offered to saw off all those tree limbs I had been planning to chop in August. And the guy on the other side says he can do our concrete patio. Let’s hear it for neighbors!
Keep those neighbor stories coming, Chris.
Comment by rakkity — October 10, 2005 @ 3:32 pm
Rakkity, it’s true what you say about peer pressure with the neighbors. Let your neighbor come saw those tree limbs. Take full advantage of your broken wrist even though it’s fixed now. It has been raining cats and dogs here these last three days..or has it been four…one day just goes into the next. I’m grateful for that tarp on the roof.
Still no return calls from any masons.
Comment by chris — October 10, 2005 @ 3:46 pm